8-Bit Theater Quotes
- Okay, we can make this work in our favor. Remember, genius! - View Quote Details on Okay, we can make this work in our favor. Remember,…
- …So you see, by allowing me to kill you three, I’ll be able to at least die with some dignity… and a smile. - View Quote Details on …So you see, by allowing me to kill you three,…
- What’s it like to walk through life without any sense of personal responsibility? To think nothing of expecting an elite cadre of warriors to attend to your every whim and worry no matter its insignificance. Tasks so important that they must delay the work of men responsible for ensuring that the sun will rise again - yet they are tasks that you cannot be bothered with personally as it may interfere with your schedule of rigorous masturbation. - View Quote Details on What’s it like to walk through life without any sense…
- Did you know that neither Mr Pibb nor Dr Pepper use the little dot thingie for their abbreviations? - View Quote Details on Did you know that neither Mr Pibb nor Dr Pepper…
- Guard: Welcome to Corneria.
Fighter: I like swords.
Guard: Welcome to Corneria.
Fighter: I like swords.
Guard: Welcome to Corneria.
Fighter: I like swords.
Guard: Welcome to Corneria.
Fighter: I like swords.
Guard: Welcome to Corneria.
Fighter: I like swords.
Black Mage: Urge to destroy world rising. - View Quote Details on Guard: Welcome to Corneria.
Fighter: I like swords.
Guard: Welcome to Corneria.
Fighter:… - Vilbert Von Vampire: Ready?
Red Mage: I was born ready.
Fighter: I was born naked and screaming.
Black Mage: And if all goes according to plan, you’ll die like that too. - View Quote Details on Vilbert Von Vampire: Ready?
Red Mage: I was born ready.
Fighter: I… - Black Mage:You don’t know the kinds of persecution my people have had to endure for centuries! And all because of the color of our spells!
White Mage: Well maybe if your spells didn’t have purely evil purposes, you wouldn’t of had that problem!
Black Mage: Are you saying that Black Magic and it’s practitioners are inherently evil?
White Mage: Name one positive, non-destructive use for your magic.
Black Mage: Ha! That’s easy. Give me a scenario.
White Mage: OK. An orphanage is on fire. What do you…
Black Mage: Use Fire-3 to torch the building and then pick off any survivors with Bolt-2 set to a wide dispersal.
White Mage: You are a horrible monster.
Black Mage: Stupid kids would never see it comin’ either. Suckers! - View Quote Details on Black Mage:You don’t know the kinds of persecution my people… - Death is but a doorway, time is but a window, I’ll be back. - View Quote Details on Death is but a doorway, time is but a window,…
- Dun Dun Dunn! - View Quote Details on Dun Dun Dunn!
- By simply altering my other stats, I can channel their points into my intelligence score, thus making me phenomenally smart! - View Quote Details on By simply altering my other stats, I can channel their…
- D’you ever wonder if clouds see shapes in the ground? Because I wonder about that a lot. - View Quote Details on D’you ever wonder if clouds see shapes in the ground?…
- Thief: Let me ask you a tangential philosophical question.
Black Mage: Shoot.
Thief: If a contract is torn up and several fraudulent copies have been produced in the meantime, does the Black Mage cry?
Black Mage: He does. - View Quote Details on Thief: Let me ask you a tangential philosophical question.
Black Mage:… - Black Mage: So, Red Mage, enlighten us. How can a plan that makes no sense work?
Red Mage: One simple reason: It makes too little sense to fail.
Black Mage: What.
Red Mage: Most plans are critically flawed by their own logic. A failure at any step will ruin everything after it. That’s just basic cause and effect. It’s easy for a good plan to fall apart. Therefore, a plan that has no attachment to logic cannot be stopped. The success or failure of any given step will have no impact on the macro level.
Black Mage: That’s so stupid I can’t even see straight anymore. - View Quote Details on Black Mage: So, Red Mage, enlighten us. How can a… - My dark soul burns with fiery agreement. Or possibly tacos. - View Quote Details on My dark soul burns with fiery agreement. Or possibly tacos.
- My plans are always practical! It’s the laws of physics that get in the way of my success. - View Quote Details on My plans are always practical! It’s the laws of physics…
- Let’s get some doom up ins. - View Quote Details on Let’s get some doom up ins.
- Fighter: Maybe we should level up a little before seeing the king so he knows we’re serious about this Light Warrior thing.
Red Mage: (Thinking) Level up to gain power or meet with the king to gain status and lord over newbies and impress girls… GHKKK!
*THUD*
Black Mage: Did he just faint?
Fighter: I thought I heard him say “Munchkin overload.”
Thief: I bet he probably fainted from exertion, what with carrying around these items that are heavy with um… value. I should liberate them. Er, for his own good of course. - View Quote Details on Fighter: Maybe we should level up a little before seeing… - Red Mage: (wearing Garland’s armor) I’d say this is easily a +4/+4 Armor of Kick Ass.
Black Mage: Mo’ like a +Stupid/+Dumb Armor of Idiot. - View Quote Details on Red Mage: (wearing Garland’s armor) I’d say this is easily… - Black Mage: You pushed Red Mage… onto Fighter’s sword.
Fighter: Which is weird ’cause it started out sheathed.
Red Mage: I botched my athletics role… big time. - View Quote Details on Black Mage: You pushed Red Mage… onto Fighter’s sword.
Fighter: Which… - Not terribly sweet or at all merciful Llolith, are all humans born this way?! - View Quote Details on Not terribly sweet or at all merciful Llolith, are all…
- Fighter: (after Black Mage supposedly stabs him 45 times, making a big, red mess) Wow! Black Mage managed to burst every ketchup packet I was holding for RM’s prematurely aborted Dragon bait plan!
Red Mage: My precious Dragon bait! That stuff’s hard to find unless you go to a restaurant! Jerk.
Black Mage: If I had the strength, I would cry. - View Quote Details on Fighter: (after Black Mage supposedly stabs him 45 times, making… - Be ye makin’ fun of my accent, sonny-jim? Yar. - View Quote Details on Be ye makin’ fun of my accent, sonny-jim? Yar.
- Garland: Evil Princess Sara? I had the forest imp dream again. I’m scared.
Sara: In that case… go the hell away. - View Quote Details on Garland: Evil Princess Sara? I had the forest imp dream… - Whoa! Look out, Captain Obvious! There’s a new… uh… a new stating the overtly apparent… man. Here. Right now. So, be careful! For your status as obvious-talking-guy is in danger over there. Ha! - View Quote Details on Whoa! Look out, Captain Obvious! There’s a new… uh… a…
- Why do I get the horrible feeling that I was better off with that psychotic mage and his friends? - View Quote Details on Why do I get the horrible feeling that I was…
- I wrote Princess Sara a haiku of love. Here it is! “I like swords, and I like sword-chucks, but I like you very, very much!” - View Quote Details on I wrote Princess Sara a haiku of love. Here it…
- Well, I’ve grown a mustache. That’s two weeks down. Just 14 billion years to go. Wish I had a deck of cards. - View Quote Details on Well, I’ve grown a mustache. That’s two weeks down. Just…
- Use your weapons, they are designed to inflict damage! - View Quote Details on Use your weapons, they are designed to inflict damage!
- Fighter: Wait, let me get this straight. So Thief is the Elf formely known as Prince?
Black Mage: Killing you is going to be the greatest moment of my life. - View Quote Details on Fighter: Wait, let me get this straight. So Thief is… - Death is the natural state of all being. Life is the aberration. It is fleeting, and full of pain. Come, embrace the eternity in nothing! - View Quote Details on Death is the natural state of all being. Life is…
- I don’t have proof so much as a wild conjecture and furious paranoia. But that’s what they want me to think. - View Quote Details on I don’t have proof so much as a wild conjecture…
- Well, at least I shall die as I have lived. Completely surrounded by morons. - View Quote Details on Well, at least I shall die as I have lived…
- Fighter: Good ol’ Black Mage, he’s always trying to help people.
White Mage: What are you talking about!
Fighter: Black Mage is always helping people. The problem is, they almost never understand his unique brand of help so they usually end up yelling… or screaming… or burning.
White Mage: Why me? - View Quote Details on Fighter: Good ol’ Black Mage, he’s always trying to help… - I could feel my brain contracting from your sheer stupidity. - View Quote Details on I could feel my brain contracting from your sheer stupidity.
- I bet in heaven, they let you eat cookies for breakfast every day! - View Quote Details on I bet in heaven, they let you eat cookies for…
- If we disguise ourselves as dragon-food, we could take [the dragon] by surprise. - View Quote Details on If we disguise ourselves as dragon-food, we could take [the…
- Vargus: Fighter, you are easily my most accomplished student.
Young Fighter: Yeah, I’m pretty awesome.
Vargus: There is but one more lesson for you here at Fighter’s Camp ‘86.
Young Fighter: Shoot.
Vargus: How many schools of zodiac kenshido are there?
Young Fighter: What, that’s it? You told us that on our first day at orientation. There’s twelve schools.
Vargus: How many, Fighter?
Young Fighter: Twelve, one school for each sign of the Zodiac. Given enough time and some hints, and I could even name them for ya.
Vargus: You have learned nothing. Go.
Young Fighter: But… I’ve got nowhere else to go!
Vargus: There is nothing for you here. Go. - View Quote Details on Vargus: Fighter, you are easily my most accomplished student.
Young Fighter:… - I AM THE BLACK MAGE! I CASTS THE SPELLS THAT MAKES THE PEOPLES FALL DOWN! - View Quote Details on I AM THE BLACK MAGE! I CASTS THE SPELLS THAT…
- White Mage: What a pleasant landing that was.
Fighter: I’ll say!
Thief: It involved a lot less fire than usual.
Red Mage: And no blood!
White Mage: Oh, you guys are such jokesters. I can’t help but notice that you aren’t laughing. - View Quote Details on White Mage: What a pleasant landing that was.
Fighter: I’ll say!
Thief:… - No, Black Belt. Why would I be upset that your pathological inability to follow so much as the most obvious of trails turned a simple tailing into the Jungle Crawl of No Escape. - View Quote Details on No, Black Belt. Why would I be upset that your…
- I could say it’s your destiny. That the fate of the world is written with your every deed. Or I could inform you that the ship is on autopilot and I’ll fill your lungs with taffy if you mess with it. - View Quote Details on I could say it’s your destiny. That the fate of…
- We’re about to witness an inverse relationship between the number of stab wounds I inflict on you and the number of answers you start giving me. - View Quote Details on We’re about to witness an inverse relationship between the number…
- Thief: (after Fighter tricks Drizz’L into freeing him) You realize of course this means Fighter is the smartest.
Black Mage: I want to cry, but there aren’t enough tears. - View Quote Details on Thief: (after Fighter tricks Drizz’L into freeing him) You realize… - Oh, Black Mage. You and your paranoid delusions. “These are Dark Warriors.” “White Mage likes me.” “Thief is trying to rob us of our very souls.” - View Quote Details on Oh, Black Mage. You and your paranoid delusions. “These are…
- (to Garland, after he finds a penny) And ye badguy voice be as vicious as the stormy sea, so says me. (Hey, that rhymed, yar.)… - View Quote Details on (to Garland, after he finds a penny) And ye badguy…
- Black Mage: You don’t happen to work at the UPS, do you?
White Mage: Uh… no.
Black Mage: ‘Cause I coulda swore I saw you checkin’ out my package! - View Quote Details on Black Mage: You don’t happen to work at the UPS,… - Dragon: Blarg! I’m a dragon!
Group of twelve dragons: Or twelve!
Red Mage: Impossible! Only a maximum of nine enemies may be onscreen!
Dragon: Fuck you.
Red Mage (to other Light Warriors): RUN.
Note: This is the 1st instance in the entire comic that the word “fuck” is said without being censored or being split between panels as in. - View Quote Details on Dragon: Blarg! I’m a dragon!
Group of twelve dragons: Or twelve!
Red… - Young Fighter: Guess it’s time to give up the blade and embrace my true calling in life. Short order cook!
(Young Fighter bumps into Young Black Mage.)
Young Black Mage: Hey, watch where yer goin’, jerk-face!
Young Fighter: Sorry, I’m in a bit of a funk about having my life’s dreams shattered because I couldn’t answer some weirdo philosophy question.
Young Black Mage: You too? They just kicked me out of the Black Wizardry Camp for the same thing. Apparently the answer to “How many 5tth (sic) level spells can an experienced wizard cast?” is not “More than enough to destroy you all and your families.” Feh! I should’ve known, though. In philosophy, it’s never the most obvious answer.
Young Fighter: We’re best friends now!
Young Black Mage: We’re who on the what now? - View Quote Details on Young Fighter: Guess it’s time to give up the blade… - Shut up. I’ve been hanging out with Fighter all day. I could literally feel him sucking away at my… brain-thinky score thing. - View Quote Details on Shut up. I’ve been hanging out with Fighter all day…
- (A Tyrannosaur appears)
Red Mage: A Tyrannosaur, eh? As it just so happens, I was born to hunt dinosaurs. See? I’ve got the tattoo and everything.
Tyrannosaur: Oh come on, that doesn’t make any sense. How can dinosaur hunting be your primary purpose? We’re extinct.
Red Mage: Then explain yourself.
(Tyrannosaur explodes)
Red Mage: Exactly. - View Quote Details on (A Tyrannosaur appears)
Red Mage: A Tyrannosaur, eh? As it just… - If I still had to consume food, I would feast upon your entrails, tonight. - View Quote Details on If I still had to consume food, I would feast…
- (on Vilbert) Well, he stopped reciting awful poetry, so you either pierced his gothicular membrane or his heart. - View Quote Details on (on Vilbert) Well, he stopped reciting awful poetry, so you…
- Let’s not bicker, gentlemen. Remember, you can’t hug with medieval arms. - View Quote Details on Let’s not bicker, gentlemen. Remember, you can’t hug with medieval…
- (On the subject of Hell) In hell, we ate the souls of sinners marinated in their own sin. It was bliss. - View Quote Details on (On the subject of Hell) In hell, we ate the…
- Jump overboard! It’s the only way to save yourself from the sea-monsters! - View Quote Details on Jump overboard! It’s the only way to save yourself from…
- (on “Super Ultra Fine Print”) I invented it. It’s called “Super Ultra Fine Print”. I own the copyright, you owe me a quarter just for reading it! - View Quote Details on (on “Super Ultra Fine Print”) I invented it. It’s called…
- I trust Black Mage ’cause he told me to. - View Quote Details on I trust Black Mage ’cause he told me to.
- Black Belt! Hit Sir Armor of Gothic here until he stops thinking conscious thoughts. - View Quote Details on Black Belt! Hit Sir Armor of Gothic here until he…
- Fighter:
Black Mage: What?
Fighter: I SAID I THINK THERE’S SOMETHING STRANGE ABOUT THESE SAILORS.
Black Mage: Oh, hello there, Mr. Concussion. How are you today?
Thief: WHAT’S HE MUMBLING ABOUT?
Fighter: DUNNO.
Black Mage: Please speak quietly.
Fighter: I THINK HE’S HUNG OVER.
Black Mage: No, my brain is hemorrhaging very important fluids.
Thief: Y’KNOW, WHILE YOU’VE BEEN SITTING HERE, WE’VE BEEN HARD AT WORK FIGURING OUT THESE SAILORS.
Black Mage: They’re not sailors, they’re Dark Warriors.
Fighter: WE THINK THEY MIGHT BE PIRATES.
Black Mage: Hate you. - View Quote Details on Fighter:
Black Mage: What?
Fighter: I SAID I THINK THERE’S SOMETHING STRANGE… - If you see Garland, let him know that I will personally carve the word “agony” over every inch of his flesh with a rusty knife. - View Quote Details on If you see Garland, let him know that I will…
- Isn’t it ironic to yell the word silence? - View Quote Details on Isn’t it ironic to yell the word silence?
- Red Mage: Unless one of my intrepid adventuring companions were to hand me a Healing Potion.
Thief: I’m not sure that’s feasible at this point in time. We’ve still got a negative cash flow problem.
Werewolf: Well you’re about to have a negative blood flow problem!
Fighter: They’re good… - View Quote Details on Red Mage: Unless one of my intrepid adventuring companions were… - Oh, I’m sure you’re thinking of some other god. The one I met gave me this healing shiv. - View Quote Details on Oh, I’m sure you’re thinking of some other god. The…
- “Ode to Mine Suffering,” by Vilbert. My life is torment. Who are you, misunderstander? My life is torment. What are you, mean bully jock? My life is torment. What is a soul, if not a bowl of pain? A bowl of pain. A bowl of pain. - View Quote Details on “Ode to Mine Suffering,” by Vilbert. My life is torment…
- White Mage: It’s a good thing I know my share of healing spells. Not to mention morals!
Black Mage: Hey! I know of them. - View Quote Details on White Mage: It’s a good thing I know my share…
About 8-Bit Theater
8-Bit Theater (also spelled 8-Bit Theatre) is a sprite comic created by Brian Clevinger based on the game Final Fantasy I. It launched in March 2001. The plot of the comic roughly parallels the course of the game, following the four Light Warriors in their quest to vanquish the King of Demons, Chaos. However, the comic is not a serious epic; much of 8-Bit Theater’s humor is derived from the blunderings and misadventures of the protagonists and their foes. See Also: Brian Clevinger .
Please Leave a Comment: