Ben Dirs Quotes

All the time in the world for Hook, he could have pulled out a cigarette, lit it and taken a couple of tugs before striking that. - View Quote Details on All the time in the world for Hook, he could…
The Scot looks like he’s sat in a hospital waiting room reading my commentary. - View Quote Details on The Scot looks like he’s sat in a hospital waiting…
Murali is really struggling out there, he looked like Heather Mills McCartney making her way to bed from her en suite bathroom fielding down at fine-leg. Will they sack me for saying that? - View Quote Details on Murali is really struggling out there, he looked like Heather…
Oof! McCullum kerplunks a fuller Sidebottom delivery for what looks a certain four until it smashes into Gillespie’s, erm, mummy-daddy button at the non-striker’s end and he is denied a run. That had to hurt. Gillespie turns down the opportunity to have it treated by the Kiwi physio - perhaps he’s not his type. - View Quote Details on Oof! McCullum kerplunks a fuller Sidebottom delivery for what looks…
As I write, Wallabies coach John Connolly will be inserting rockets where it hurts. Oop pardon. - View Quote Details on As I write, Wallabies coach John Connolly will be inserting…
Colly doing a good, no-frills, manful job for England here, just one from the over. He is to cricket what Jim Taggart is to me. - View Quote Details on Colly doing a good, no-frills, manful job for England here,…
A well-deserved standing ovation from the Lord’s faithful and what can you say about any Collingwood innings? Nuggety, earthy, gritty. All hail Ross Kemp - give that man his own cop show on ITV. - View Quote Details on A well-deserved standing ovation from the Lord’s faithful and what…
According to a certain Brisbane rag, England are “a bunch of part-time plumbers and decorators”…Jason Robinson and Co are just putting a second coat on their Free State Stadium dressing room in Bloemfontein, but I’m assured they’ll be cleaned up and ready to kick off in 25 minutes. - View Quote Details on According to a certain Brisbane rag, England are “a bunch…
Watts latches on to an Ntini short ball and swinging him over the mid-wicket boundary. That was like a large cayman devouring a rancid routabaga. That was one of the worst analogies I’ve ever written. Wonderful. - View Quote Details on Watts latches on to an Ntini short ball and swinging…
It was Lara diving over the ball, hitting the deck like a BBC sports commentator who has just realised how futile his existence is. - View Quote Details on It was Lara diving over the ball, hitting the deck…
I had a nightmare about the World Cup last night. I dreamt I was in the Caribbean and just before the Australia v South Africa match, I saw a load of Aussie players grab South Africa all-rounder Shaun Pollock, do unspeakable things to him and throw his body onto some weird conveyor belt thing. And as he disappeared down the belt, his head fell off into a box. - View Quote Details on I had a nightmare about the World Cup last night…
Playing Federer on a bad day is a bit like seeing Pete Doherty in concert on a good day. You want to make the most of it because it may never happen again. - View Quote Details on Playing Federer on a bad day is a bit like…
Embarrassing cricket tales. When I was about 14, my school team played against a school called Langdon, somewhere or other in the wilds of East London. They batted first and racked up 180-3 off 20 overs. We got 13. My PE teacher called it the most humiliating day of his life. Years later, he got done for sex offences. I wonder what he thinks now. - View Quote Details on Embarrassing cricket tales. When I was about 14, my school…
Montgomery collects a Garryowen and Hazell, like a Smeg fridge-freezer on legs, clatters into him and drives him backwards. - View Quote Details on Montgomery collects a Garryowen and Hazell, like a Smeg fridge-freezer…
Bit of Toto as Hoffmann makes his way to the middle - “I bless the rains down in Africa!” - smashing. My favourite Toto number is Rosanna. I used to go out with someone called Rosanna. Her mum looked like Cher. - View Quote Details on Bit of Toto as Hoffmann makes his way to the…
“Apparently Hoggard’s injury is a “strained adductor muscle”, news which prompts Messers Botham, Gower and Holding to all stroke their inner thighs on Sky as an indication as to where the injury is. You don’t need to see that on a Saturday afternoon I must say, especially with Gower boasting that landed-gentry-style smirk as he gazes adoringly at Beefy. This isn’t late night Bravo fellas, calm it down. I’m off for a quick polish in the gents. - View Quote Details on “Apparently Hoggard’s injury is a “strained adductor muscle”, news which…
Thinking about sexy times in my life, an internal flight in a storm in Nam (Viet, not Dagen) must be up there, but I also recall going to an Erasure concert in about 1990. That was astonishing. - View Quote Details on Thinking about sexy times in my life, an internal flight…
Here’s Land of Our Fathers and it sounds like someone’s banging it out on a Bontempi organ. The Welsh players all looked pretty laid-back singing that. How come it looks like the whole side has rabies before they play England? - View Quote Details on Here’s Land of Our Fathers and it sounds like someone’s…
Federer has a baby on. He also looks like Quentin Tarantino. - View Quote Details on Federer has a baby on. He also looks like Quentin…
Hayden hits his fourth four of the over off the final ball, riding a dreamy steer through the covers. Boom boom boom let me hear you say way-ooh. - View Quote Details on Hayden hits his fourth four of the over off the…
Having seen the replay, I think Steve Bucknor was right. I like Bucknor, in fact, he might be my only friend. - View Quote Details on Having seen the replay, I think Steve Bucknor was right…
Franklin looks a little horny, like someone who’s just met up with his best mate the morning after kissing his sister. - View Quote Details on Franklin looks a little horny, like someone who’s just met…
He gets another go and slams home a red into the bottom right and it disappears like a rat up a drainpipe. - View Quote Details on He gets another go and slams home a red into…
Mahmood finishes with 4-50 - ‘Smell my cheese, you mothers’ I think I heard him mutter to his critics as he strode from the pitch. - View Quote Details on Mahmood finishes with 4-50 - ‘Smell my cheese, you mothers’…
I like Monty, I’d like to sit with my arm round myself on the sofa all night watching documentaries on BBC Four. - View Quote Details on I like Monty, I’d like to sit with my arm…