Fighter: Good ol’ Black Mage, he’s always trying to help…

Fighter: Good ol’ Black Mage, he’s always trying to help people.
White Mage: What are you talking about!
Fighter: Black Mage is always helping people. The problem is, they almost never understand his unique brand of help so they usually end up yelling… or screaming… or burning.
White Mage: Why me?

Conversations, Episodes 1-100

Other 8-Bit Theater Quotes

Black Mage: So, Red Mage, enlighten us. How can a plan that makes no sense work?
Red Mage: One simple reason: It makes too little sense to fail.
Black Mage: What.
Red Mage: Most plans are critically flawed by their own logic. A failure at any step will ruin everything after it. That’s just basic cause and effect. It’s easy for a good plan to fall apart. Therefore, a plan that has no attachment to logic cannot be stopped. The success or failure of any given step will have no impact on the macro level.
Black Mage: That’s so stupid I can’t even see straight anymore. - View Quote Details on Black Mage: So, Red Mage, enlighten us. How can a…
Yes, soon the planets shall be in alignment with the ley lines of evil and I will usher in a new era of painful… erm, suffering and uh… discomfort in general. - View Quote Details on Yes, soon the planets shall be in alignment with the…
Thief: (after Black Mage stabs Fighter) I want to be surprised by that, but I can’t be.
Black Mage: It’s what he would have wanted… if he was me. - View Quote Details on Thief: (after Black Mage stabs Fighter) I want to be…
Vargus: Fighter, you are easily my most accomplished student.
Young Fighter: Yeah, I’m pretty awesome.
Vargus: There is but one more lesson for you here at Fighter’s Camp ‘86.
Young Fighter: Shoot.
Vargus: How many schools of zodiac kenshido are there?
Young Fighter: What, that’s it? You told us that on our first day at orientation. There’s twelve schools.
Vargus: How many, Fighter?
Young Fighter: Twelve, one school for each sign of the Zodiac. Given enough time and some hints, and I could even name them for ya.
Vargus: You have learned nothing. Go.
Young Fighter: But… I’ve got nowhere else to go!
Vargus: There is nothing for you here. Go. - View Quote Details on Vargus: Fighter, you are easily my most accomplished student.
Young Fighter:…
Thief: I’ll have you know “Drizz’L” roughly translates to “The Relentless Scourge”.
Black Mage: Yeah, like the relentless scourge of having a really stupid name. - View Quote Details on Thief: I’ll have you know “Drizz’L” roughly translates to “The…
(to Garland) What part of this whole villain thing do you not understand?! - View Quote Details on (to Garland) What part of this whole villain thing do…
I AM THE BLACK MAGE! I CASTS THE SPELLS THAT MAKES THE PEOPLES FALL DOWN! - View Quote Details on I AM THE BLACK MAGE! I CASTS THE SPELLS THAT…
Infinite nothingness sucks. - View Quote Details on Infinite nothingness sucks.
I, GARLAND, WILL uh… KNOCK YOU ALL DOWN! - View Quote Details on I, GARLAND, WILL uh… KNOCK YOU ALL DOWN!
Black Mage: (Regarding Ranger) I don’t get it. What’s that jerk got that I ain’t?
White Mage: You mean besides a grasp of grammar?
Black Mage: Me talk good!
White Mage: Well, let’s see…He knows the difference between right and wrong. Morals. A complete understanding of the theories and practical applications of personal hygiene. Friends. A face. The respect of his peers.
Black Mage: Hey! I have friends. (Pause) I have a friend.
White Mage: What you have is a highly dysfunctional relationship based exclusively on abuse.
Black Mage: Right, a friend.
White Mage: See, that, that right there. That’s what’s wrong with you. (Leaves)
Black Mage: (Pause) Dammit, Fighter. White Mage doesn’t like me because you’re a rotten friend.
Fighter: I’m horrible! - View Quote Details on Black Mage: (Regarding Ranger) I don’t get it. What’s that…