[footage of Mark McGwire crying during testimony] Hey, idiot! There’s no…

[footage of Mark McGwire crying during testimony]
Hey, idiot! There’s no crying in baseball testimony!

Lewis Black

Other The Daily Show Quotes

They say that some leaders are born great, some achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust upon them, and then there’s this guy. [cuts to video of George Bush] Who couldn’t buy great at a great store that was going out of business and had to get rid of all their great. - View Quote Details on They say that some leaders are born great, some achieve…
Feeling too full? Can’t keep stuffing your pie hole? Remember: an unsound mind equals an unsound body! Find your dark unhappy place…I recommend calling all your old girlfriends. They’ll tell you EXACTLY what’s wrong with you…Let your diminishing self-esteem propel you forward into a crushing maelstrom of despair…the fat will follow! - View Quote Details on Feeling too full? Can’t keep stuffing your pie hole? Remember:…
The issue of Kerry’s military service has spawned a number of recent news-like events which have led to Republican charges the decorated war hero has something to hide. Because if there is one thing the Bush administration will not tolerate, it is… other people’s secrecy. - View Quote Details on The issue of Kerry’s military service has spawned a number…
Where was I going to find a Jew at a Democratic Convention? - View Quote Details on Where was I going to find a Jew at a…
Just remember: bullies are a lot more afraid of you than you are of them… wait, no, that’s snakes. - View Quote Details on Just remember: bullies are a lot more afraid of you…
(On a Denver judge’s ruling that the registry is unconstitutional)
Constitution, I feel betrayed! You let me have my porn, my guns, why won’t you let me enjoy them without any annoying interruptions?! (laughter) So what’s going to happen in this most important of issues? President Bush ordered the telemarketing registry to take effect as of today, while industry lawyers vowed to go to the Supreme Court, where they can make their pitch in front to the ideal telemarketing audience…
(shows a picture of the Supreme Court justices)
…gullible old people. Jon? - View Quote Details on (On a Denver judge’s ruling that the registry is unconstitutional)
Constitution,…
Ed Helms:My boss is like a cross between Willy Wonka and Hitler.
(later in the segment) Stewart: (looking shocked/enraged)…A cross between Willy Wonka and Hitler?
Helms: That’s right, Jon. - View Quote Details on Ed Helms:My boss is like a cross between Willy Wonka…
(On Congress’s swift action in regards to the Do Not Call registry)
Yeah? Then why does most stuff happen slower than it takes to pay off a 30-year mortgage? Congress, you made a huge mistake: now we know you can actually DO something quickly if you want to! - View Quote Details on (On Congress’s swift action in regards to the Do Not…
Over the course of the past year mom and pop outfits like Enron and Saudi Arabia have been persecuted by the public and the government…but now they’re fighting back using a few simple techniques! - View Quote Details on Over the course of the past year mom and pop…
Seriously, the House of Representatives is full of insane jackasses. - View Quote Details on Seriously, the House of Representatives is full of insane jackasses.