For those of you who are confused as to whether…
For those of you who are confused as to whether or not you’re a real American, it’s quite simple. Let me see if I can help you out. [pulls out a dry-erase board and writes the following equation] Just multiply your town’s population (P) by the average price of a local cup of coffee (picture of coffee cup), plus its number of art-house movie theaters (house), times the number of streets named after Martin Luther King, Jr. (MLK); then divide by the number of pieces of identification you need to buy Sudafed in your town (pill), times the number of people who wear trucker hats in your town minus the actual number of truckers (trucker hat), multiply that by 1 over the houses of worship—not counting synagogues, of course (cross)—minus the number of bars in your town. That’s supposed to be a bottle. If the answer equals less than 10, congratulations, odds are very good that you’re a real American.
Other The Daily Show Quotes
- Remember, the last person Al Gore endorsed was Al Gore. And you remember how well that went. Really, do you remember? I have no idea. - View Quote Details on Remember, the last person Al Gore endorsed was Al Gore…
- Anyhow, here’s a fun fact…did you know that Boston has a merit badge in corruption? It’s called the Big Dig, the largest public works project in American history…it’s billions over budget, and a national laughingstock! - View Quote Details on Anyhow, here’s a fun fact…did you know that Boston has…
- …or did I just blow your mind?. - View Quote Details on …or did I just blow your mind?.
- If you’re keeping score at home, so far our war in Iraq has created a police state in that country and socialism in Spain. So, no democracies yet, but we’re really getting close. - View Quote Details on If you’re keeping score at home, so far our war…
- President Bush delivered his first State of the Union address, riding high on an 82 percent approval rating, and with Attorney General John Ashcroft dispatching agents to interview the other 18 percent. - View Quote Details on President Bush delivered his first State of the Union address,…
- ‘[Bush video overlay:] I have something else to ask you, to ask every American. I ask you to pray for this great nation. [Stewart:] We’re way ahead of you. - View Quote Details on ‘[Bush video overlay:] I have something else to ask you,…
- So if you were wondering just how sick you have to be for Congress to improve your health care… - View Quote Details on So if you were wondering just how sick you have…
- [On 11 states' approval of gay marriage bans]
So congratulations…you rocked the vote, and smeared the queer…(mixed reaction from the audience)OH DO YOU THINK WE MEANT IT?…But in the end, these ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn’t make Midwesterners feel icky! - View Quote Details on [On 11 states' approval of gay marriage bans]
So congratulations…you rocked… - Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake. - View Quote Details on Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever…
- After a long investigation the SEC has fined Halliburton $7.5 million for issuing fraudulent statements exaggerating their profits in 1998 and 1999 during which their CEO was — oh who was it? Oh that’s right…. Cheney himself has not been implicated in the scandal and according to Cheney’s lawyer there is no allegation whatsoever that he acted in any way other than in the best interests of the company and its shareholders. And you know what? It’s still true today. - View Quote Details on After a long investigation the SEC has fined Halliburton $7.5…
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