If you’re keeping score at home, so far our war…

If you’re keeping score at home, so far our war in Iraq has created a police state in that country and socialism in Spain. So, no democracies yet, but we’re really getting close.

Jon Stewart

Other The Daily Show Quotes

(on a virtual fishing game) The point is this and I can’t stress this enough, don’t use this on the roof of your building. Oh, and be sure the GPS fish aren’t near any reception deadspots…I was in the middle of a trout stream last weekend and I couldn’t virtual-fish at all! I spent all my time drinking…and fishing. - View Quote Details on (on a virtual fishing game) The point is this and…
Jon Stewart: As best as you can, Ed, talk about the most recent developments in this terrible disaster [Hurricane Katrina].
Ed Helms: Jon, today, finally a ray of hope. 8 days after Katrina came ashore, the federal government has gotten its act together marshalling all of its resources in a desperate effort to save this beloved, and now beleaguered…president. [Laughter and applause]
Jon Stewart: I’m sorry, I thought we were talking about New Orleans.
Ed Helms: Oh, no, that place is fucked. - View Quote Details on Jon Stewart: As best as you can, Ed, talk about…
Kids sure are pussies these days. - View Quote Details on Kids sure are pussies these days.
We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext for invading Iraq. There’s just one problem — it’s in North Korea. - View Quote Details on We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential…
[On Alaska and Maine voters' approval of bear baiting ballot initiatives]
So congratulations hunters, you’re free to lure bears to their deaths with raw meat, open jars of peanut butter, and yes, even pic-nic baskets! I hope Yogi runs faster than the average bear! - View Quote Details on [On Alaska and Maine voters' approval of bear baiting ballot...
[after the 2004 Stanley Cup finals where Tampa Bay defeated Calgary in seven games]
This is how lame hockey has gotten: the country that invented it lost to a country that doesn’t care about it, in a state that has NO natural ice! - View Quote Details on [after the 2004 Stanley Cup finals where Tampa Bay defeated...
But aren't some kids so deliciously weird that they're asking [to be bullied]? - View Quote Details on But aren’t some kids so deliciously weird that they’re asking…
They say that some leaders are born great, some achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust upon them, and then there’s this guy. [cuts to video of George Bush] Who couldn’t buy great at a great store that was going out of business and had to get rid of all their great. - View Quote Details on They say that some leaders are born great, some achieve…
Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here’s another idea for avoiding the flu: Don’t stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people. - View Quote Details on Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in…
The biggest surprise was that the Tony Awards were on TV at all. I don’t give a shit. Hell, I live behind a Broadway theater and I don’t give a shit. I performed on Broadway this year, and I still don’t give a shit! - View Quote Details on The biggest surprise was that the Tony Awards were on…