So, to sum up, it’ll take two thirds of both…

So, to sum up, it’ll take two thirds of both houses and three quarters of the states to approve an amendment saying that two straight parents are better than one straight parent, which is still better than two gay parents, which is equal to a guy screwing a turtle.

Jon Stewart

On Rick Santorum ’s comparison of sodomy to a man having sex with a turtle.

Other The Daily Show Quotes

Threat, Jon? Threat? Tread carefully, newsman, lest your impudence embroil you in the coming battle tide. For the day is nigh when the armies of Rove shall come alive to claim their due. For lo! it has been foretold that the son of the forty-first king shall himself twice be crowned! The treasuries will be emptied! The ads unleashed! And the blue states will run red with the hundred million dollars of hellfire and retribution! - View Quote Details on Threat, Jon? Threat? Tread carefully, newsman, lest your impudence embroil…
Bush advisers have long been worried that a lagging economy could hamper the President’s re-election chances. They hope that the Cabinet shake-up will provide a needed jolt. If that doesn’t work, North Korea has to go. - View Quote Details on Bush advisers have long been worried that a lagging economy…
The White House released documents it claims validate the President’s (National Guard) service…. When deciphered, the documents showed that in a one-year period, 1972 and 1973, Bush received credit for nine days of active National Guard service. The traditional term of service then and now for the National Guard is one weekend a month and two full weeks a year, meaning that Bush’s nine-day stint qualifies him only for the National Guard’s National Guard. That’s the National Guard’s National Guard, an Army of None. - View Quote Details on The White House released documents it claims validate the President’s…
Far out, Steve! Groovy point, man, you’re blowing my mind! Face it! You and your doctor dopes are just hiding behind grandma’s oxygen tanks. The real reason you’re pushing pro-pot legislation is so you can suck on a Thai-stick and watch the walls begin to pulse and breathe! - View Quote Details on Far out, Steve! Groovy point, man, you’re blowing my mind!…
There is good news tonight for Ahmed Chalabi. It turns out that all along he was providing accurate, truthful, helpful information. Unfortunately, it was to Iran. - View Quote Details on There is good news tonight for Ahmed Chalabi. It turns…
Sounds like you need…a truth injection. - View Quote Details on Sounds like you need…a truth injection.
They say that some leaders are born great, some achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust upon them, and then there’s this guy. [cuts to video of George Bush] Who couldn’t buy great at a great store that was going out of business and had to get rid of all their great. - View Quote Details on They say that some leaders are born great, some achieve…
Excuse me, sir, I’m having trouble locating my square dancing club meeting? Can you help me? Also, my glasses fell out of my fanny pack, and I can’t find my asthma inhaler, and I feel an attack of my allergies coming on. I’m allergic to wheat, sugar, bumblebees, milk, wool, cotton, polyblends, pony hair, oatmeal, soap, sunshine. I should probably also mention that I’m a virgin and a bedwetter. - View Quote Details on Excuse me, sir, I’m having trouble locating my square dancing…
(On a Denver judge’s ruling that the registry is unconstitutional)
Constitution, I feel betrayed! You let me have my porn, my guns, why won’t you let me enjoy them without any annoying interruptions?! (laughter) So what’s going to happen in this most important of issues? President Bush ordered the telemarketing registry to take effect as of today, while industry lawyers vowed to go to the Supreme Court, where they can make their pitch in front to the ideal telemarketing audience…
(shows a picture of the Supreme Court justices)
…gullible old people. Jon? - View Quote Details on (On a Denver judge’s ruling that the registry is unconstitutional)
Constitution,…
Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge made that critical leap from ‘be afraid’ to ‘be very afraid,’ raising the terrorist threat level to orange for financial sectors in New York, Washington, D.C., and northern New Jersey…. Ridge’s announcement comes amidst reports he will step down as head of Homeland Security after the election. Ridge himself has refused to comment on the story, though colleagues say he has often expressed a desire to spend more time at home, scaring his family. - View Quote Details on Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge made that critical leap from…