The official CIA report, the Duelfer Report, has come out…

The official CIA report, the Duelfer Report, has come out. The one that they’ve been working on for the past two years that will be the definitive answer on the weapons of mass destruction programs in Iraq, and it turns out, uh, not so much. Apparently, there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and their capabilities had been degraded, and they pretty much stopped trying anything in ‘98. Both the president and the vice president have come out today in response to the findings and said that they clearly justify the invasion of Iraq. So, uh, some people look at a glass and see it as half full, and other people look at a glass and say that it’s a dragon.

Jon Stewart

Other The Daily Show Quotes

Samantha Bee: You’ve got an assload of cash and I’m gonna need some of it.
Richard Branson, founder of Virgin conglomerate: Well, you still haven’t explained where this money is going?
Bee: Why are you so stingy? I thought you were like Soros but with the sex swing and the hot tubs!
Branson: Uh…well, I certainly like hot tubs.
Bee: I’m walking out of here with a sack of cash.
Branson: Uh…um… - View Quote Details on Samantha Bee: You’ve got an assload of cash and I’m…
For some reason, America’s popularity around the world has plummeted in recent years, making travel…(sneezes, pulls out a French flag to clear his nose) making travel abroad a harrowing experience. But one man…has a solution. - View Quote Details on For some reason, America’s popularity around the world has plummeted…
Mo Rocca: Enron Field…words that provoke potent images of more than two glorious years of baseball history.
Rocca (voiceover): The year was 2000…William Clinton was president…a gallon of milk cost $2.25 at the su-per-market…nobody was doing the Charleston…and kids in kneepants root, root, rooted for the home team at the opening day of the brand new Enron Field. It was the little stadium that could: a place where fans would while away the hours under a quaint retractable roof, gaze at the old-fashioned giant exploding scoreboard, and look lovingly at the 60 corporate skyboxes that even the children of wealthy industrialists could call their own. But as year turned to year turned to this year…the roaring late 90’s came to an end with a devastating crash…the company that gave the park its life disappeared, as did the plutocrats that gave the park its asset liquidity. Today, the cathedral known as Enron Field lies deserted, a poignant reminder of an earlier, more guilty time. - View Quote Details on Mo Rocca: Enron Field…words that provoke potent images of more…
Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here’s another idea for avoiding the flu: Don’t stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people. - View Quote Details on Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in…
Today is the 100th anniversary of the Wright Brothers’ flight at Kitty Hawk. Today, they tried to do a re-creation of that historic flight… and it didn’t work. That’s like doing a Civil War reenactment and having the South win. - View Quote Details on Today is the 100th anniversary of the Wright Brothers’ flight…
If, God forbid, some coordinated terrorist attack leads to the deaths of the first seven people in line to succeed the President—the Vice President, Speaker of the House, the President pro tem of the Senate, the Secretaries of State, Treasury, and Defense, and the Attorney General—if, God forbid, that were to happen, would you really want the guy who took over to be the one who was in charge of their security? And that’s tonight’s “Nnnggehhh…!” - View Quote Details on If, God forbid, some coordinated terrorist attack leads to the…
Throughout his life, General Wesley Clark has stood up to some tough opponents. He battled the Viet Cong and went toe-to-toe with Slobodan Milosevic. But today the retired four-star general capitulated to the fiercest enemy he’s ever confronted: the American voter. - View Quote Details on Throughout his life, General Wesley Clark has stood up to…
So if you were wondering just how sick you have to be for Congress to improve your health care… - View Quote Details on So if you were wondering just how sick you have…
Well, Jon, The great jousting tournament that is Election Day draws nigh, the prize the building you see behind me, Castle Congress. But what side shall prevail in this epic electoral tilt? Who shall control the future of Fortress America? Will we be, as the Republicans desire, a nation of wealthy heavily armed white men, befouling the air and water in a ceaseless quest for profits, beholden to no laws but those of our lord and savior Jesus Christ? Or shall we instead embrace the Democrats’ vision of a namby-pamby quasi-Socialist Republic with an all-homosexual army flamboyantly defending a citizenry suckling at the foul teat of government welfare? The choice is yours, fair maiden America, for the name of this feudal system is Democracy. - View Quote Details on Well, Jon, The great jousting tournament that is Election Day…
[On Alaska and Maine voters' approval of bear baiting ballot initiatives]
So congratulations hunters, you’re free to lure bears to their deaths with raw meat, open jars of peanut butter, and yes, even pic-nic baskets! I hope Yogi runs faster than the average bear! - View Quote Details on [On Alaska and Maine voters' approval of bear baiting ballot...