Think about it Jon, the terrorists are expecting us to…

Think about it Jon, the terrorists are expecting us to hold our elections on Election Day. If we did that, we’d be playing right into their hands.

Rob Corddry

Other The Daily Show Quotes

Now you’re probably wondering, “But Mr. Helms…” Stop, right there, okay? Call me Ed. So you’re wondering, “Ed, why does resolution matter?” Well, first of all that’s a stupid question. All you got to do is turn on regular resolution TV and try and figure out what the hell’s going on! - View Quote Details on Now you’re probably wondering, “But Mr. Helms…” Stop, right there,…
Rob: It’s not just the Tae-po-dong, Jon. Did you know that the Koreans are working on a deadly neutron explosive that burns you from the inside-out leaving you just a scarred hunk of flesh?
Jon: That’s Horrible.
Rob: Yeah, it’s called long fat d*ck.
Jon: I’m…I’-
Rob: (interrupting) But wait, there’s more to it than that… Worst of all, it also carries a deadly biotoxin called “cream - of - Sum - Jung - Guy”.
Jon: I’m sorry Rob, that is clearly not a real weapon…
Rob: Yeah, Yeah… that’s what the N. Koreans want you to think. One day you’ll be smuggin secure, then, out of a blue sky comes a “long-fat-d*ck” filled with scalding “cream of Sum Jung Guy…” Who will be laughing then, Jon?.. I know I will be… - View Quote Details on Rob: It’s not just the Tae-po-dong, Jon. Did you know…
We all know that there are many wasted hours when your cellphone is just sitting in your pocket not being talked on. In the past we’ve talked about amazing new features like digital photography, text messaging, and special sperm destroying rays…by the way that’s #-6. - View Quote Details on We all know that there are many wasted hours when…
Do you really think they have chemical weapons stronger than living next to New Jersey? - View Quote Details on Do you really think they have chemical weapons stronger than…
The biggest surprise was that the Tony Awards were on TV at all. I don’t give a shit. Hell, I live behind a Broadway theater and I don’t give a shit. I performed on Broadway this year, and I still don’t give a shit! - View Quote Details on The biggest surprise was that the Tony Awards were on…
Christmas: it’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state. - View Quote Details on Christmas: it’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal…
Today is the 100th anniversary of the Wright Brothers’ flight at Kitty Hawk. Today, they tried to do a re-creation of that historic flight… and it didn’t work. That’s like doing a Civil War reenactment and having the South win. - View Quote Details on Today is the 100th anniversary of the Wright Brothers’ flight…
So, to sum up, it’ll take two thirds of both houses and three quarters of the states to approve an amendment saying that two straight parents are better than one straight parent, which is still better than two gay parents, which is equal to a guy screwing a turtle. - View Quote Details on So, to sum up, it’ll take two thirds of both…
Don’t you see the problem our country is having? I’m making sense and the President isn’t. - View Quote Details on Don’t you see the problem our country is having? I’m…
Last night the voice of the people was heard…I promised not to imitate it out of respect for the mentally retarded! - View Quote Details on Last night the voice of the people was heard…I promised…