Knocked Up Quotes

Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever. - View Quote Details on Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves…
[sobbing and thinking about the babysitter] She is such a prissy little high school cu… cunt! - View Quote Details on [sobbing and thinking about the babysitter] She is such a…
I know. You’re right. I’m so sorry. I fuckin’ hate this job. I don’t wanna be the one to pass judgement, decide who gets in. Shit makes me sick to my stomach, I get the runs from the stress. It’s not cause you’re not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can’t let you in cause you’re old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth. - View Quote Details on I know. You’re right. I’m so sorry. I fuckin’ hate…
I’ll see you later. (to Alison at the first bar encounter) No I won’t, ’cause I’m a pussy. - View Quote Details on I’ll see you later. (to Alison at the first bar…
I could smoke weed, every second, of everyday. - View Quote Details on I could smoke weed, every second, of everyday.
She like’a da way ya dick taste. - View Quote Details on She like’a da way ya dick taste.
[to Ben and Pete at dinner] Hey, I have a really good idea. Why don’t the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time and fuck each other?! - View Quote Details on [to Ben and Pete at dinner] Hey, I have a…
[to Pete when they look at a sex offender registry website] So I’m the bad guy because I care about protecting our kids from child molesters and mercury? And you’re cool because you don’t give a shit? - View Quote Details on [to Pete when they look at a sex offender registry...
That my friend, is how you get pink eye. - View Quote Details on That my friend, is how you get pink eye.
Do not make fun of me, okay? I am hormonal, I am terrified, and I'm falling apart so stop treating everything like it's a big joke! - View Quote Details on Do not make fun of me, okay? I am hormonal,...
See ya... Scorcese on coke - View Quote Details on See ya... Scorcese on coke
(On Jonah's claim to have attended Yale) You went to Santa Monica Community College. - View Quote Details on (On Jonah's claim to have attended Yale) You went to...
Thanks for the free money, bitch. - View Quote Details on Thanks for the free money, bitch.
I think it's Matisyahu. - View Quote Details on I think it's Matisyahu.
You haven't had to sacrifice anything! I've had to sacrifice my job, my body, my youth, my vagina. - View Quote Details on You haven't had to sacrifice anything! I've had to sacrifice...
I can't be letting your old ass in here. Why don't you go do some yoga and shit. - View Quote Details on I can't be letting your old ass in here. Why...
Your face looks like Robin Williams' knuckles. - View Quote Details on Your face looks like Robin Williams' knuckles.
Nice. You are such an asshole. You know what? Go--go fuck your fucking bong! - View Quote Details on Nice. You are such an asshole. You know what? Go--go...
[quoting ‘Back to the Future’] Where we’re going we don’t need roads. - View Quote Details on [quoting ‘Back to the Future’] Where we’re going we don’t…
Steely Dan can gargle my balls. - View Quote Details on Steely Dan can gargle my balls.
(After Jay has announced that he has shaved his pubic area) What the fuck, man?! If I go in there and see fucking pubes sprinkled all over the toilet seat, I’m gonna fucking lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fucking stuffed animal! - View Quote Details on (After Jay has announced that he has shaved his pubic…
Was your vagina drunk?! Did you think it’s the thinnest condom on Earth I have on, I’m a fucking inventor?! I made a dick-skin condom?! “He hollowed out a penis and put it on.” What the fuck?! - View Quote Details on Was your vagina drunk?! Did you think it’s the thinnest…
I will fuck my bong. Doggy-style, for once. (gives Alison the middle finger as he walks out of the OB/GYN office) - View Quote Details on I will fuck my bong. Doggy-style, for once. (gives Alison…
I’m going to murderball you! - View Quote Details on I’m going to murderball you!
[looking at the fleshofthestars website] He misspelled “coming”… Oh, that’s gross! - View Quote Details on [looking at the fleshofthestars website] He misspelled “coming”… Oh, that’s…
Don’t let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out. - View Quote Details on Don’t let the door hit you in the vagina on…
You can’t buy shit! You can barely buy spaghetti! - View Quote Details on You can’t buy shit! You can barely buy spaghetti!
I went where I went Jason! - View Quote Details on I went where I went Jason!
I farted on Jason’s pillow, he farted on Jonah’s thinking it was mine, and eventually pink-eyed my pillow. I’m not proud of any of this. - View Quote Details on I farted on Jason’s pillow, he farted on Jonah’s thinking…
(with a gas mask with an attached bong to his face) I am your stoner! - View Quote Details on (with a gas mask with an attached bong to his…
It cures everything. My buddy Jonah broke his elbow one time. He just got high. It still clicks, but it’s cool. - View Quote Details on It cures everything. My buddy Jonah broke his elbow one…
(On his chicken pox) Dude, it’s not herpes if it’s everywhere. - View Quote Details on (On his chicken pox) Dude, it’s not herpes if it’s…
He’s playing fetch… with my kids… he’s treating my kids like they’re dogs. - View Quote Details on He’s playing fetch… with my kids… he’s treating my kids…

About Knocked Up

Knocked Up is a 2007 film about a one-night stand that turns into something more. Directed by Judd Apatow. Written by Judd Apatow What if this guy got you pregnant? (taglines ) .

Knocked Up Taglines

What if this guy got you pregnant?
Imagine if this guy got you pregnant
From the director of “The 40-Year-Old Virgin ” comes a comedy about a one night stand that became something more
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