Al Murray Quotes

(addressing an audience member who has admitted to being a police officer) They say that ignorance leads to hatred but in this case, it’s knowledge. - View Quote Details on (addressing an audience member who has admitted to being a…
Where would we be if our government spent so much money on the Olympic games that all others after it will look like total crap, espicaly London 2012? Yes, China. - View Quote Details on Where would we be if our government spent so much…
The Euro isn’t all bad, at least they left Wales off. - View Quote Details on The Euro isn’t all bad, at least they left Wales…
Never forget it was the British Army’s plan to collapse back to Dunkirk and fuck off home pronto. If you’re not there the Germans can’t beat you. - View Quote Details on Never forget it was the British Army’s plan to collapse…
And where would we be without rules, eh? That’s right, France. And where would we be with too many rules? Germany. - View Quote Details on And where would we be without rules, eh? That’s right,…
Rugby, posh man’s sport of course, fifteen men on a team, because posh people can afford to have more friends. - View Quote Details on Rugby, posh man’s sport of course, fifteen men on a…
We shouldn’t insult the French of course, because they’re not here to defend themselves. And we know how good they are at that! - View Quote Details on We shouldn’t insult the French of course, because they’re not…
Where would we be if a giant mouse patting a child on the head is normal? Disneyland. - View Quote Details on Where would we be if a giant mouse patting a…
When a French man is in trouble, he doesn’t do what you or I would do, does he? No, when a French man is in trouble, he does something very strange. He doesn’t shout “Help”, the international word for “Help”, coming from the English word “Help”, meaning “Help”…Used in times of stress requiring “Help”. - View Quote Details on When a French man is in trouble, he doesn’t do…
Great Britain traditionally has trouble with countries beginning with an I. Good rule of thumb. Iran, Iraq, Indonesia, India, it’s over now of course, Italy, not a threat as such but… dealt with, Ireland, we’re playing the long game on that one obviously, Iceland, Cold War ‘74, ‘itler’s Germany. - View Quote Details on Great Britain traditionally has trouble with countries beginning with an…
Where would we be when the sight of a half-man half-goat would not disgust the eye? Narnia! - View Quote Details on Where would we be when the sight of a half-man…
I respect the Germans, they tried twice. - View Quote Details on I respect the Germans, they tried twice.
(There are many variations of the “where would we be…” joke, often following on from the Germany line) Where would we be with laws that involved us fighting animals? Spain. - View Quote Details on (There are many variations of the “where would we be…”…
(addressing the same audience member who admitted to being a police officer)The British police are the finest police in the world aren’t ya? Yeah you are. No, you fuckin’ are! Have some pride in yourself! - View Quote Details on (addressing the same audience member who admitted to being a…
Where would we be if they supported us by running away as soon as we saw the enemy? That’s right, Italy! - View Quote Details on Where would we be if they supported us by running…
Here’s a word about fashion.. In every pack of foxhounds, chasing a fox, there’s one dog, one hound at the back of the pack, with no sense of smell at all. He can’t smell that fox, can he? He doesn’t even know there is a fox. All he’s doing is following assholes. And that, is all you need to know about fashion. - View Quote Details on Here’s a word about fashion.. In every pack of foxhounds,…
We’re in a country that doesn’t allow children to drink alcohol, but they can be a pub landlord. (fakes crying) Beautiful. - View Quote Details on We’re in a country that doesn’t allow children to drink…
You see, the thing about xenophobia is, it’s a Greek word. - View Quote Details on You see, the thing about xenophobia is, it’s a Greek…